Perhaps the most surprising thing about Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is that the “x” in the title is meant to be silent. Unless one refers to it in acronym shorthand, in which case it’s “GxK” as distinct from “GvK.” Kids love this sort of proprietary knowledge that allows them to correct their ignorant parents, and this is very much a movie for kids. Yes, these are family-friendly versions of the nightmarish, sexual-assaulting ape borne of Merian C. Cooper’s World War I PTSD and globetrotting, and the Hiroshima hangover of Ishiro Honda’s city-destroying nuclear lizard…here to pummel each other, and others, while cavalierly flattening buildings. All with mass-implied body counts that somehow carry as little weight as many of the gravity-defying CG creations onscreen.
That’s not inherently a criticism; to paraphrase Cooper’s own dialogue, ’twas kiddies tamed the beasts. Little kids love monsters, and the movie industries of both Japan and the U.S. have reacted by catering subsequent installments to them. Far from becoming “as one dead,” in 1933 parlance, Godzilla and Kong couldn’t be more lively as merchandise movers. And a merchandise mover, this movie surely is.
Know What You Mean, Verne
If there are parables or allegories at play here, they’re minor. Director Adam Wingard, working from a screenplay credited to Terry Rossio, Simon Barrett, and Jeremy Slater (but worked on by far more than that) is primarily a throwback to Cooper’s original inspirations, like Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World, or Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth. It may be more punchy and less talky than those, but then again, film is a visual medium, and books rely on words. As cinema, it’s more akin to the old single-reel cliffhanger serials and, indeed, it might be preferable if watched in 15-minute installments. It’s under two hours and requires little taxing of the brain, yet it feels longer.
To the extent that this film may involve adults, it’s with references to cinematic predecessors — Ray Harryhausen’s Ymir in 20 Million Miles to Earth, Son of Kong, even the snake from the ’76 Kong (sort of). The new villain monster, Skar King, is straight out of a Shaw Brothers kung fu movie with his deadly bone-whip skills; a zero-G fight feels like the inevitable fusion of wire-fu and kaiju that Gen Xers fantasized about since seeing their first Hong Kong film. Technically, it’s all quite impressive, and even if some of the many CG creatures onscreen at any time don’t look fully real all the time, they’re more real than most man-in-suit opponents in the grand pantheon of Godzilla sequels.
Lizard-Brained
The plot is pretty much nonsense, albeit confidently explained at every turn by a gamely, straight-faced cast. It works as well as your kid explaining their playroom storyline to you; like the typical parent, you’ll go with it just because you want to watch the outcome. To keep a basic battle story needlessly complex, the narrative splits three ways for a while, following Kong in the Hollow Earth (a literal Middle-earth much more lowbrow than Tolkien’s), Godzilla on a maniacal globe-trot, and our human protagonists playing catch-up.
Returning from the last film are Rebecca Hall’s Dr. Andrews, Kaylee Hottle as her deaf, adopted daughter Jia, and Brian Tyree Henry as podcaster/conspiracist Bernie Hayes. New to the team are Dan Stevens as a wacky kaiju veterinarian named “Trapper,” Taika Waititi regular Rachel House as Monarch scientist Hampton, and Alex Ferns as a belligerent Scotsman named Mikael. The narrative drops a couple of hints that sparks may be flying between Bernie and Trapper but keeps things subtle enough for Chinese censors, or so Legendary presumably hopes.
We’re here for the large-scale battles, and the movie’s here to deliver them, giving us two Mortal Kombat-style fatalities before the opening credits are even through. Save Kong, kaiju/”titans” apparently all bleed green, which, as far as the MPAA is concerned, makes disembowelments, therefore, appropriate for the whole family. (Hey, I’m not arguing!)
Kong$
One is tempted to imagine that Wingard pulled a James Cameron in the pitch meeting, writing “Godzilla vs. Kong” on a whiteboard and adding an “s” to “Kong,” followed by two lines through it to make a dollar sign. Except that even though the movie gives us a veritable army of apes, it rarely utilizes them all at once. Kong himself goes through a couple of Moses motions, insisting in grunts and sign language that the Skar King let his people go, but most of the fights we see involve three-on-one at most. Indeed, this Kong is the most intelligent version of the gorilla yet, at at least the level of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Dutch Schaefer in Predator with his trapping skills.
Godzilla is gung-ho as usual, neglecting his role as Earth’s protector the moment it’s inconvenient — like the militaries of many countries, he’s a lot better at blowing stuff up than saving innocent lives. But since dropping a nuke on him does nothing but power him up, what can humans do besides just deal? The Monarch TV series examined the ramifications of a world like that, but Godzilla x Kong isn’t looking to bum you out similarly.
Silly Symphony
Complaining about too much dumb fun, however, seems foolish. As much as Godzilla Minus One replicated and upgraded the original, serious Gojira, Godzilla x Kong replicates the sillier sequels, complete with actual pro-wrestling suplexes and cheesy ’70s rock songs mixed with Antonio Di Orio and Tom Holkenborg’s totally ’80s synth score. This movie knows what it is, and what it is is utterly review-proof. Undoubtedly, fans will be quick to remind all of us critics that it’s not meant to be Citizen Kane — though to the extent that Kane advanced cinematic techniques and special effects, they’re not as radically distinct as some casual viewers may assume. Its biggest competition for viewers is likely to come not at the box office but streaming on Peacock in the form of next weekend’s two-day WrestleMania XL.
It’s this simple: if there’s room in your home for Cody Rhodes to face the Rock and Roman Reigns, you’ll also want to make time for Godzilla and Kong to face one another and the Skar King in theaters. Far be it for me to judge anyone over that.
Grade: 3/5
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire opens in theaters March 29th
